2011 Egofest Schedule Released

The 2011 Egofest Dynasty weekly schedule has been released by the Egofest Dynasty Fantasy Football League (EDFFL) front office. The league continues to match each team against every other team once per season. There are several intriguing competitions throughout the season, but you don’t have to look far to find the first match-ups of significance. Week one gives us two key match-ups. First is a rematch of the third place playoff game from 2010 between L.A. Patriots and Harry Brown Bush’s Aroma. Owner of HBBA, Dave Kuendig, continues to poke the eye of all conservative and prude EDFFL fans with his sensually disturbing team name, while L.A. Patriots’ Glenn Allen has made all sports writers put two periods in his team name since the old ESPN-hosted leagues. This should be a match-up of not only stubbornness, but also set one of these owners on the path to play for the coveted 3rd place finish once again.

The second match-up in week one that may spike the ears of Egofest fans is the Lone Star Super Squirrels vs. Stone Testies. Both of these teams fought for pure, unadulterated mediocrity last season, but are both looking for major improvements this year, and possible playoff runs. Alright, I know you’re thinking, “Nevah, you must be joking. These owners couldn’t draft their way out of a wet tissue!” But I think you might be surprised in the will of both owners to make a run for playoff glory. Stone Testies’ owner John Maxwell Boot (or “Max” as he is better known) told Egofest Dynasty News, “I think all of my players are the best in the league, they just need to prove to someone other than me.”

Week four also give us another double whammy of key match-ups that should grab the attention of even the most indifferent EDFFL viewer. First we scrape the bottom of the 2010 barrel as we watch the last-place finishing Durangatang Monkey Squirts take on the second-to-last-place finishing Kennesaw Kannons. This battle will give one of these owners the right to say, “at least I didn’t lose to THAT guy”. After selecting big-name rookie wide receivers A.J. Green and Julio Jones in the 2011 draft, owners Branden Rakita and Anthony Forshier are hoping to score 10-15 more points per season than a year ago.

The second important contest in week four is the battle between BOCO’s Ballin’ Army and Big Swingin’ D. BOCO owner Cameron Dye told Egofest Dynasty News reporter Many Cummings, “it was painful to finish last year’s regular season only one spot behind Big Swingin’ D, and then watch him go on to win the championship. Meanwhile we had to settle for sixth, which sounds extremely unimpressive when I say it out loud.” Big Swingin’ D’s owner Ryan Coward was reached for comment and responded, “what’s Egofest Dynasty?”

Is it painful to miss the playoffs by a single point? Ask Tube Socks owner Haven Barnes and he’ll tell you. In their head-to-head matchup last season, L.A. Patriots and Tube Socks played until late Monday night when the New York Giants were battling the Dallas Cowboys until late in the game. L.A.Patriots RB Ahmad Bradshaw’s duty was to run down the clock with mere seconds to spare, Tube Socks holding a slim one-point lead. Bradshaw’s final carry with under :10 on the clock was a 19-yard scamper, earning L.A. Patriots two points and the corresponding win. To add injury to the insult, Tube Sock’s QB Tony Romo had his season ended early in the game with a broken clavicle. The rematch will take place this year in week seven. Expect years of defeat-laden frustration to be taken to the field on the part of Socks.

There are two teams that make moves on moves to get players and build their franchises. C-Springs Asphalt Walri and (whom last time I checked actually despises asphalt. He’s more of a dirt guy) and Shenanigans. Many-an-owner received calls, texts, and e-mails from these two teams during the 2011 rookie draft, and I’m sure they will not be the last of this season. Asphalt Walri had 13 trade proposals during the draft period, and may have made some solid moves for a young, talented team. He may have also made himself look desperate and effectively removed all intimidation from his lineup for the next three seasons; it’s hard to tell right now. In any event, these two will battle for the title of “Who Did the Most Work For the Smallest Payoff?” in week seven. The loser can expect to have a similar route through the 2012 draft, and the winner can bank on an improving team for years to come.

The middle of the pack in the Egofest Dynasty is laced heavily with the young and the old. In week 10, two teams that epitomize both of these extremes will play for a possible playoff position. Yo Bitches, the young and talented (owner-expressed optimism) team owned by Sean Wendt, will take on the aging crew from Boats N’ Hoes. Both of these teams finished with a record of 7-6, however Boats made the playoffs and Bitches did not. The 138 points overall (8.1 points per game) disparity made the difference over the 13-game season. However, when questioned about the 2011 roster Boats N’ Hoes owner Nick Jenkins said, “we may be getting a little long in the tooth, but we still have a mean bite.” In response to this claim, Sean Wendt retorted, “does anyone want to trade me a D/ST?”

Finally, we find ourselves one week from the final regular-season games with a rematch of last year’s championship, Big Swingin’ D against Cape May Scallops. Scallops owner Mike Barnes told me in an interview at the EDFFL CBA talks last week, “our goal is to be the only team that makes the playoffs every year that Egofest exists”. Anyone that knows fantasy football knows this is a virtual impossibility, but that doesn’t seem to faze Barnes. Big Swingin’ D is coming off the most improbable of fantasy seasons by finishing the regular season on a 5-1 run and then plowing through the #1 and #2 seeds to claim the championship. In this dream rematch we’ll see which... well, actually we’ll probably already have a good idea who’s in and who’s out by week 12, but anyway… could mean something.

Give 'Em Reason To Worry, Eh?

As the NFL lockout surpasses it’s 100^th day, the longest in NFL history, there are many factors that could come into play for the Egofest Dynasty teams this year. In the following article I will go through the four (with two sub-sections included) that I find most intriguing, and potentially fate-changing, for some of Egofest’s owners.

1. According to Eli Manning of the Kennesaw Kannons was interviewed by Dan Patrick of ESPN and said he had been working out with rookie wideout Julio Jones. In these workouts, Manning was instructing Jones on specific patterns and techniques that suited Eli’s delivery and timing. After 10 minutes of expert instruction from a Super Bowl Champion quarterback, Jones asked, “could we go back to where I line up?” When the lockout comes to an end, I’m assuming in the next two weeks, this will be the recurring problem with rookies and newcomers that have yet to receive their playbooks. Normally at this time of year the incoming rookies have been studying playbooks, attending OTAs, and receiving individual coaching for more than 30 days. By the time the lockout ends, these players will have lost approximately 45 days of valuable experience. At some point we may need to be realistic and call this a “redshirt” year for this rookie class. Generally this does not apply to rookie running backs (“here’s the ball, find the hole”) so you can still hold on to hope there.  However, if a team has drafted a rookie quarterback or wide receiver and expects them to contribute this year, it might be a waiting game, eh?

2. This brings us to our second group that will be affected by wasted time, the soon-to-be free agents. Owners will surely be watching in hopes that their top point-scorers aren’t put on the shelf, knocked out of favor, or replaced. Players like Boats N' Hoes' Terell Owens, Asphalt Walri's Vincent Jackson, Kennesaw Kannon's Randy Moss, Tube Socks' Ronnie Brown, Big Swingin' D's Matt Hasselback, Boco's Ballin' Army's Cedric Benson, and Lone Star Super Squirrels' Braylon Edwards (just to name a few) all need homes for the 2011 season. While we can assume that some of these stars will return to their previous teams, it is not certain they will continue to have the same impact as they once did. Although the same could be said for them finding a new team, eh?

      2a. In regards to free agency, Egofest owners should not be sure their star will be resigned by their current teams. Many free-agents enter the market as RESTRICTED free agents, meaning the current team has the right to counter any offer made by a pursuant team. However, the current proposed collective bargaining agreement (CBA) has a portion in it that would make all veteran (4+ years of experience) free agents UNRESTRICTED. This means offers can be made and accepted without any regard for the previous team’s desires. I suppose this is coming from the NFLPA’s side of the argument, eh?

      2b. The salary cap is due to increase, which sounds like a great deal for teams looking to sign high-caliber free agents, right? The answer is: Kind of. High revenue teams, such as Dallas, Green Bay, and Oakland will be able to do so as they have more money to pay what is coming down the pike (much debated on whether this phrase is “pike” or “pipe”, so take your pick) as greater retired player benefits. The CBA will certainly include a sweeter retirement package for players, ultimately hurting lower-revenue teams like Cincinnati, Detroit, and Buffalo. Egofest owners thinking their free agent star will land on a team where they are the top flea on a dead dog (big fish in a little pond? Take your pick), can think again, eh?  

3. After a post-season vote to assure all kick and punt return touchdowns counted six points for the individual player, the NFL has decided to take that away. A new rule passed, with nothing to do with the upcoming CBA, moving an un-penalized kickoff to the 35 yard line, instead of the 30. This could move the 25% of kickoffs resulting in touchbacks to nearly 50%, eliminating possible kickoff return touchdowns. I can almost feel Big Swingin’ D (Jacoby Ford), Kennesaw Kannons (Brandon Tate), and Cape May Scallops (Leon Washington) twisting their team towels with rage as they read. Guess they can hope for punts returns, eh?

4. Finally, the current CBA proposal will eliminate the possibility of the NFL adding two regular-season games to the schedule, which has it’s positives and negatives for Egofest owners. While on one hand star players won’t take as many shots and consequently maintain their health (hopefully) throughout the season, the men of men (scientifically named: Masculine Figures With Low Injury Rates) will not be able to score 15 points/week over this time period. Ultimately, Egofest owners will not be forced to change their drafting strategies to accommodate an 18-game schedule in which LA Patriots’ Michael Vick would never survive, eh?